Dear Idiots…

I hate you.

That is all.

Thank you.

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Dumb People Never Cease in Their Ability to Piss Me Off. v.2

Waking up is never fun. I prefer sleeping. So much so that it’s not uncommon for me, that if I can’t get to sleep, I will take a Tylenol PM. I recently invested in the rapid release gelcaps. This is the story of the day I took the Tylenol Rapid Release.

8.00am - I just got home from work, my room mates are asleep. Jeremy just woke up, and I showed him Russell Brand. He is one of my favorite comedians. I take a Tylenol PM RR

10.00am - I’m tired. So I go to sleep.

10.00am – 9.30pm – Asleep.

9.30pm – I’m amazed that I slept that long on one pill. Confused as to why the bottle suggests taking two pills. Unfortunately the pill is still in affect on me. This is not good. I’m in a terrible mood when I wake up anyway. I don’t want to talk to people, I don’t want to do anything.

10.00pm – Leaving the house for work. I’m super hungry. I decide Popeyes.

10.10pm - Arrival at Popeyes. I pull up to the drive through and politely place my order.

I would like the number 7 with Mashed potatos and Macroni and cheese.

Spicy or Regular

Regular please.

I’m sorry we are out of regular

Okay that’s fine, I’ll take spicy.

We are also out of Mac and Cheese

I was okay with that, I just said nevermind, and thanked them. I would go somewhere else.

My tastebuds took me to KFC.

10.15pm - Arrival at KFC

Can I take your order?

Yes, let me have the chicken strip meal with macoroni and cheese, and mashed potatoes.

thank you, sir. pull around for your total.

I realized that she didn’t take my drink order. I wasn’t unhappy, but skeptical. I then paid for my meal.

Sir, what did you order again?

(WTF!?!?) I repeated my order

I’m sorry sir we are out of macoroni and cheese.

Fine, I’ll take cole slaw.

I’m sorry sir, we are also out of Cole Slaw, and Mashed Potatoes.

10.25pm – Starting to angered.

What do you have?

Fries, but there will be a wait.

Fine I’ll take fries.

10.30pm…..

I’m sorry sir, but we will be closing in 5 minutes. Please don’t order fries.

Whatever, I’ll take baked beans.

10.40pm – Very unpleased with my order I arrive at work. I found it amazing that she decided to let me pay with my card first and prevent the chance of a refund, before telling me that they did not have anything I ordered. I only ate the 3 chicken strips, and noticed that the baked beans had a kernel of corn in it…God knows what else. I also had no cash on me…so no food for me tonight. I hate people.

My Conversation with Jesus

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a scotch and soda along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said, “Jesus, why do I work so hard?”
Jesus replied, “Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather.”
I said: “I thought that money was the root of all evil.”
Jesus replied, “No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad.”
I was starting to feel better, but I still had a few burning questions, so I asked, “Jesus, what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?”
Jesus replied: “That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn.”

The other night…

So I go to my friends house and in walks 16 of the hottest teenage chics wearing nothing but komonos and body glitter. We’re doing zippers, zoomers, jalapeno poppers you name it. Suddenly one of the twins starts yelling at me “OMG your eyes are bleeding!!!” So they rush me to the hospital where i was legally dead for 17 minutes. Finally they shock me back to life. I say thanks doc, now I have a few ladies to entertain. So 11 orgasms later, 2 and a half of them mine, next thing you know I’m naked and on fire running through the lobby.

It didn’t happen…but man…that would have been a wild night.