Dear Idiots…

I hate you.

That is all.

Thank you.

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My Conversation with Jesus

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a scotch and soda along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said, “Jesus, why do I work so hard?”
Jesus replied, “Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather.”
I said: “I thought that money was the root of all evil.”
Jesus replied, “No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad.”
I was starting to feel better, but I still had a few burning questions, so I asked, “Jesus, what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?”
Jesus replied: “That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn.”

The other night…

So I go to my friends house and in walks 16 of the hottest teenage chics wearing nothing but komonos and body glitter. We’re doing zippers, zoomers, jalapeno poppers you name it. Suddenly one of the twins starts yelling at me “OMG your eyes are bleeding!!!” So they rush me to the hospital where i was legally dead for 17 minutes. Finally they shock me back to life. I say thanks doc, now I have a few ladies to entertain. So 11 orgasms later, 2 and a half of them mine, next thing you know I’m naked and on fire running through the lobby.

It didn’t happen…but man…that would have been a wild night.

A very interesting study I’ve discovered…

Glench: as the temperature of lesbians approaches absolute zero, they cease to exist
Glench: let me demonstrate
Glench: here we have a google search for hot lesbians
Glench: http://www.google.com/search?q=%22hot+lesbians%22
Glench: ~1.4 million results
Glench: cool lesbians: http://www.google.com/search?q=%22cool+lesbians%22
Glench: 2,500 results
Glench: http://www.google.com/search?q=%22cold+lesbians%22
Kasu: Glench: It’s scientific!
Glench: 321 results
Glench: for cold lesbians
lapilofu: did you try warm?
Glench: http://www.google.com/search?q=%22absolute+zero+lesbians%22
Glench: 0 results
Glench: theory: PROVEN

That is simultaneously so logical and so awesomely retarded.